{"id":896,"date":"2013-09-30T12:00:21","date_gmt":"2013-09-30T11:00:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/acceleratedlearning.com\/?p=896"},"modified":"2014-01-31T16:47:57","modified_gmt":"2014-01-31T16:47:57","slug":"praise","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/acceleratedlearning.com\/learning\/archives\/896","title":{"rendered":"The right sort of praise"},"content":{"rendered":"
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We love our children \u2013 and it\u2019s natural to praise their efforts. The right<\/em> sort of praise builds self-esteem and the traits of success, but the wrong<\/em> sort can lead to problems.<\/p>\n

Praise for effort <\/strong>
\nIt\u2019s tempting to tell your child she is clever. \u201cYou learned\/did that well because you are clever.\u201d But sometime soon he is going to find a situation he doesn\u2019t succeed in \u2013 and then the doubts creep in. And he may look for ways to avoid that type of challenge in the future.<\/p>\n

So praise mainly for effort. \u201cWell done \u2013 you learned that well because you really concentrated and tried hard.\u201d That reinforces the thought that success needs effort. And it builds a willingness to try something new.<\/p>\n

In a school-based piece of research, one group of students was praised for the effort they put in. They became more confident, willing to learn something new and 50% of them achieved improved results during the term.<\/p>\n

The other similar-ability group was praised for their ability. They inevitably encountered a situation that was difficult, or in which they couldn\u2019t immediately succeed. They began to worry about their ability and grades, they no longer enjoyed their tasks and 30% did worse during the term. Because a poor result had dented their self-image.<\/p>\n

In the pre-school years I recommend the idea of an effort coupon. When you see your child trying hard to achieve something, even if he or she hasn\u2019t yet reached her goal, he gets an effort coupon. Saving up effort coupons entitles her, for example, to a trip to the cinema.<\/p>\n

Failure is feedback<\/strong>
\nWhen your child fails at something, the best response is \u201cI wonder what you can learn from that? What can you do better next time? We can always learn from our mistakes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Be selective in your praise<\/strong>
\nParents think they're building their children's confidence and self-esteem by frequent praising, but it may result in just the opposite. A child can sense when too much praise is insincere, and it can make her afraid to try something new or to take a risk for fear of not being able to stay on the pedestal you have created. The underlying message is that she needs to get her parent's approval all the time \u2013 instead of relying on herself.<\/p>\n

So by all means do praise \u2013 because too little praise may imply that you don\u2019t care \u2013 but it needs to be proportionate to the task and the effort.<\/p>\n

What does work well is to share a success with your partner \u2013 in front of your child. \u201cJoanna, wait till you hear what Cathy did today! She has learned to read five new words!\u201d<\/p>\n

Direct the praise onto the child<\/strong>
\nIf you say, \u201cI think you did a great job of painting that picture\u201d, the emphasis is on your opinion. So he looks for ways to keep getting your approval.<\/p>\n

Whereas if you say \u201cYou must be proud of the way you chose the right colours and put in all that detail. Not just the green of the leaves but the right colour brown of the bark.\u201d, the emphasis is on him achieving for his own sense of self. It also reinforces what contributed to that success.<\/p>\n

Be specific in your praise<\/strong>
\nLook for ways in which praise can reinforce attitudes like:<\/p>\n